I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye...

I look over to my right every day at my desk and see your face. I remember taking that picture of you. I was sitting on the couch and you had just finished talking to Bryan. As he walked away, I called out "Dad!" and you turned and gave me a sarcastic smile. You didn't mind doing it though and now I have this picture of you. I wrote on the back "Uncle Larry (Dad)" and immediately I feel my heart break. That wasn't right, that wasn't right at all. It was just Dad. Completely just Dad and now that you're gone, it hurts even more.

Our last full conversation rings in my head every day. You told me you wanted to come up here and surprise your Granddaughter at her school for lunch one day just to make her smile. I was going to make sure I was off work and meet you there. We weren't sure when it would happen but you were so excited at the idea. You were so proud of her when I told you how she was planning to do honors math and science starting next year. You planned on giving her your telescope the next time we came to your house because you found out how she was so excited to learn about space. You had to tell the pup to quiet down so we could hear each other, but I could hear how tired you were so I said I had to go get some things done. Truth was, I knew you wanted to rest but talk at the same time. Dad you never liked ending a conversation and I knew you wanted to just rest before Mom got home. Now I wish I'd just kept going.

I didn't want to leave that day. I saw Mom walk out of the hospital room at 2:30pm, and I knew I had to go get my daughter from school. Sadly I'd kept the stupid card from the car, so her Dad couldn't even go up there and get her I had the only card for release. I didn't want to leave. I watched her go out of the side of my eye, and then I just looked at you. I touched your arm, and it was warm. I was almost petting it because I was so afraid to go. I then just said "Daddy, I love you." and you looked at me. You pushed the words out. "I love you." and I smiled. Then I said "Merry meet, and Merry Part." and your face...you nodded and just shut your eyes. It's like you knew, that was it. I didn't want to leave that day. 

When I got to the hospital after the call to hurry back, I ran in thinking there was time...and you were gone. When she told me, my heart sank so far down it almost felt like it had stopped. We went to walk in, and my feet didn't want to move. Then I saw you...and for one fleeting moment I hoped you would open your eyes again. You looked the same as you did when I left and then I saw the machines were off. I wasn't ready to say goodbye. When I touched your arm... it wasn't the same. You didn't open your eyes and look over and nod realizing I was there. It wasn't until her small voice quivered saying goodbye to you, that I lost my strength. I'm so lucky your son in law became such a strong rock for me in the recent weeks because I feel completely weak. I wasn't ready to say goodbye.

I sleep all day now. I only eat out of necessity. I go to bed so late because I just don't feel like going to sleep. I play Sims 2 and my phone games just to pass the time not because of any enjoyment. I had to call the doctor and they had to prescribe me another medication on top of what I am already on just so I could function again. I'm so lucky my boss understands that this has hit me so deep and has allowed me the time to cope.

In front of others, I'm smiling and laughing. I post videos for my blog and unboxings and cat videos just so I keep that going as I know you were proud of the work I'd put into it. I'm thanking everyone for their kind words but inside I feel like a large part of my soul has been ripped from me. You were one of my best friends Dad. I could call you any time just to shoot the breeze about anything. You'd call me to do the same and we'd spend an hour just talking about it all. You helped me find my Wiccan path and having that special connection with you was so wonderful. 

My mentor is gone. My Dad is gone. My rescuer is gone. 

I wasn't ready to say goodbye.

Daddy, I love you. But I can't say goodbye, yet.

Elizabeth is a wife to her wonderful husband, a work at home mother to her beautiful little girl and a blogger for some time now. When she isn't spending time with her "Livvybug", or laughing with her husband, she is looking for new review opportunities and writing or singing along to classic rock and pop music!


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